Not long ago I was in a world of hurt. I was completely isolated and overwhelmed with despair. I would often be in my pajamas at six o’clock in the evening, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how my life had turned out the way it had turned out. I was totally convinced that I had been forsaken by God, and I blamed him for my husband’s abusive behavior. I blamed him for not answering my prayers for my husband to be healed. I knew for certain that God did not love me, and I was convinced that no one could love me. After all, even my own husband did not love me, despite my best efforts. Of course he said he did, but the outbursts of rage and episodic violence told the real story. I was certain that I was inherently flawed, and unworthy of love. I was also overwhelmed by fear because of the years of battering. I learned to live with night terrors. I often awoke in the night screaming, dripping with sweat, my heart beating out of my chest. And the shame. My life was covered in a veil of shame. I was a strong career woman, and a Christian. I was certain that people would think badly of me if they knew the truth of my life. So I had no choice but to live a double life. It was just too embarrassing to admit the truth. Add disappointment and disillusionment to the mix, and you have the recipe for my life. My horrible life.
But everything changed when I met a new man. I actually met the perfect man. I didn’t have to search on match.com to find him either! He found me. It turns out he has been searching for someone just like me, and to him I am absolutely perfect. He says that I am easy to love. Can you believe that? Not only does he love me, but he likes me too. He likes my laugh and he thinks I am funny. He feels really bad about all the painful things that I have been through. Do you know he even cries when I tell him about the abuse that I endured? I am talking big alligator tears. I can tell he’s not faking it to manipulate me, either. He’s the real deal. He is a great listener and he always wants to hear more about my story. He is never too busy for me. It is like I am the most important thing in the world to him.
He doesn’t criticize me either. I expended a lot of energy attempting to fix all of the things that my husband said were wrong with me, but my new man says that I don’t need to change a thing. He accepts me just the way I am. He always knows exactly what I need, when I need it. He says the right thing at the right time, and when he knows that silence is best, he just holds me. Spending time with him is medicine for my broken heart.
And there’s more. I get to dance with him. I love to dance. My husband hated it when I danced. He always refused to dance with me, and if I ever got the chance to dance at a family wedding or a party, he mocked me for doing so and he accused me of just wanting attention. My new man loves it when I dance. By the time I met him, my inner dancer had been pretty well wiped out, but he has coaxed her out of me again. The more I twirl, the more I whirl, the more thrilled he is. He throws his head back and laughs when I really get into it, but I can tell he isn’t laughing at me. He’s just genuinely happy that I am happy.
The crazy part is that he knows that I was really mad at his Father for not answering my prayers, and he is okay with that. Now that he has had a chance to explain their side of the story, I am not mad at God any more. He told me that what was happening to me all those years was actually a sin in the sight of his Father. He told me that if I was willing to follow his lead, he and his Father, with the help of the Holy Spirit, were more than willing to deliver me from abuse. By this time I was so in love with him that I would follow him anywhere. So I grabbed ahold of my new man and I followed him to freedom, safety, healing, and wholeness, while God the father worked all sorts of miracles to get me to the other side, and the Holy Spirit whispered truth into my soul to keep me on the right track. It feels really good not to be mad at God anymore. And now I get to dance with my new man, and the father dances over me too. He rejoices over me with singing! It doesn’t get any better than that.
So even though I am no longer married, I am not alone, because I met the perfect man. I am totally in love with my new man. I know I am gushing, but I just can’t keep it a secret! I literally wake up thinking about a man whom I have never seen in the flesh, but I know that I know that I know he is real. I have been forever transformed by time in his presence. I pour out my heart to him every day, and he pours his mercy, grace, and love on me without fail.
This perfect man, my sweet Jesus, wants to be your man too. I know it is hard to be alone. It feels really good to be free from terror and shame, but it is hard to be alone. You may still be married to a man who abuses you because you are afraid of being alone. The enemy of our souls can use loneliness to keep us in a violent relationship, draw us back into our violent relationship, or lure us into a new violent relationship, if we are not careful. Don’t let him do that to you. While you wait for God to bring a healthy relationship into your life, if that be his will for you, you do not have to be alone. Let Jesus be your man. He’s the perfect man.
My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling;my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Solomon 2:10-13
This is such a beautiful way to experience one’s relationship with Jesus, and you have expressed your experience of his liberating love so beautifully, Jennifer. I pray that every woman who reads this post is able to wrap her heart around the fact that this kind of love is not only acceptable, it is warmly welcomed by him with great joy.
One does not miss out on anything by being betrothed to the Prince of Peace, and to know this kind of love is the peak of our human experience. The desire for a mortal man fades when we live life shoulder to shoulder with, filled by, immersed in the Living God, the God of Love, of Peace, of Light, and of Victory. We become one when we know and experience this love, because the common element is his holy spirit, his own spirit who binds us together in love and makes us collectively into his beloved Bride.
We can recognize each other because we can feel the touch of his eternal love within and see the mark of his love upon each other. That serene glow which tells of a life rescued and no longer wanting for anything. That aura of peace that testifies of a life that has overcome the violence that came against it in former days. That security and strength that comes from having a powerful ally who can always be trusted to provide anything we need. And that kindness and compassion that easily recognizes the depth of need in another and reaches out to help, knowing that their need can be satisfied with the same love, compassion and understanding that saved themselves. The love of Jesus is the worst kept secret on the planet, and yet the promise of this love is so easily hidden from us by the expectations of this world, of our culture and society, and deceptive and misleading teaching and traditions that we may hesitate to accept it, not believing it is for us. But no one ever has to be lonely when the Love that lives forever is just waiting for us to welcome him into our lives.
And you know how it goes, when you’ve stopped looking is the time when the right man will come. When you’ve gotten comfortable living on your own and no longer feel that urgent drive to find the next relationship that will make your life bearable, when you have forgotten the desperation that used to send you into all the wrong places hunting love down. When you’re so involved in living life that the thought of a relationship seems like it would get in the way of what’s important to you now. That is when you’re ready. How will you know it’s him? Because the right man is the one who is filled with that very same spirit of Jesus, one who will do anything in his power to love you the way He does, with gentleness, patience, kindness, strength and a true passion, the kind of passion that has the power to rise to any occasion, whatever it may require. And with a noble faithfulness that will never die. I pray that every hurting heart reading this will quickly come to know the overwhelmingly sweet, healing and pure love of Jesus, and to live wrapped in the comforting security that comes with it. And I pray that many men will overcome the harshness of patriarchy, and perhaps even the pain of the abuse they too have suffered, by this same spirit…to learn to give themselves and to love so completely, so tenderly, that they might become the beautiful mate, faithful and true, that a renewed woman who has suffered abuse and violence can trust to be the love of her life on earth.
Bless you Jennifer, for the inspiration your words have drawn forth this morning! May it touch many hearts and transform them with hope, courage, and the Love that never dies.
Amen! Thank you Grace. Your words make me cry – good tears 🙂
🙂 Your words make me cry good tears, too.