Letter To Self

The following letter was written by one of my blog followers. When I read it my heart broke. She, like me, chose to stay in domestic violence even though everything reasonable and rational was telling her to get out. She knew that her married life was horrifying and painful, but she did not know that her children were being sexually abused by their father. This is the letter she wrote to herself after she and her children finally escaped, and the sexual abuse was reported. If you are being battered, or have been battered, you will relate to her pain. But the purpose of this site is not to bring our pain to the surface and simply leave it hanging in the air to torment us. It is to promote healing. I have said it before and I will say it again, wholeness is brokenness owned, and thus healed. That was one of the purposes for her writing the letter. She asked me to share it with you all, and I have been praying about how to present it in the light of hope. How can hope spring from confusion, manipulation, terror, molestation and rage? There is only one answer to that question. Jesus. Jesus is the only thing that can bring light out of such darkness. According to Romans 8:34 Christ is at the right hand of God interceding for us. So I am presenting excerpts from the letter in the light of that truth. Jesus Christ, the savior of the world, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was sitting close to this woman as she wrote this letter to herself. He wept as she wrote, he poured his love on her through  his presence, and interceded on her behalf…

Dear Self,

I can’t believe you ignored all of the red flags. It was so obvious. Everything from the beginning was so obvious. Everything was about HIM. How could someone love you and hate you at the same time? But you stayed. You took the criticism, you allowed him to belittle you, you allowed him to take advantage of you and you stayed. What else could you do? Leave? The way he treated your daughter should have been your first clue. But you ignored it. “He’ll change,” you said. “It’s just hard because it is not his child. He’ll change.” He didn’t change. Things just got worse. And you stayed.

“Father I intercede for my beloved daughter at this moment. I take authority over the condemnation of the enemy in my great name. I ask for healing to her mind. Remove all confusion Father. Holy Spirit I send you to her now. Speak truth to her spirit. Speak the truth that my blood covers her. I ask that you send ministering angels to her daughter right now. By my stripes I know that her daughter will be brought to wholeness and healing.”
And now you bring a child into it. Two children. He didn’t change. But what could you do? Leave? So you stayed. You tried to make it work because the boys needed their father. Or did they? Endless arguments about raising children. Fights about what is or what isn’t appropriate for them to watch on TV. You doing everything, him doing nothing. Raising two boys is hard work. Raising three is even more complicated. And you stayed. At one point you did realize, “this is not good for the boys. He is not good for the boys. Tired of the stress, the emotional exhaustion, the criticisms, the trivial arguments that always seemed to end up focusing on you, and not solving what was originally being discussed. Tired of defending yourself. Tired of trying to convince him that you were not a terrible person. If you were half the person he made you out to be you couldn’t live with yourself. You didn’t have another choice. You had to leave. What was the turning point that made you want him back? It wasn’t love. It wasn’t that you couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t that the boys missed their father. What was it? Looking back, I just don’t understand. There must have been something. So you asked him to come back. What a fool. To think that things would change. That he learned. Nothing changed. It just started all over again. Two more years you would stay. Two more long years. Two years of sleepless nights, wondering why. But what could you do? Leave? What about the boys? Family includes a mother and a father. Marriage is never perfect. I’m not perfect.

“Father I thank you that you are greater than any mistake that my dear one believes she has made. I thank you that there is no circumstance too dark for us. Holy Spirit, I ask that you whisper the truth to my beloved. Tell her that the births of her sons were written before time. Tell her that we knit them together in her womb. We are the givers of life, and they live because they were ordained to be. I thank you Father that you have searched her heart and mind. You know that she was doing what she thought was right for her sons at the time. The enemy had darkened her understanding with his lies and deception, but that enemy is under my feet and by my blood she shall overcome.”

Then you finally get the strength. Where it came from I have no idea. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t allow him to make you feel guilty. You are not to blame. But it never stops. The pain never stops. The anger never goes away. The resentment builds. He won’t let go. He lies. He manipulates. He turns your friends against you. He brainwashes your kids. But it doesn’t end there. How could you not have known? Wasn’t it obvious? It is so obvious now. Were you being so selfish, dwelling on your pain, your sorrow, your loneliness that you didn’t see what he was doing to your boys? How could you not see? How could you not see? How could you not see? God, no child should have to go through this. How can you ever make them trust you again? How can you protect them? How can you let them know that they are protected? How? I can’t believe you ignored all of the red flags. How could you be with this man for so long. How could you expose your children to this man? How do you forgive yourself for something like this? How do you find the worlds to say, “I forgive you.” How? What kind of parent are you? I love my kids. I never even though about it one time. Who would? Who would secretly wonder, or assume that something like that was happening? Never. How could someone do that to a child? Someone that they trusted? Someone that loved them? it’s just gross. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. He makes me sick to my stomach. My boys. My poor boys. What has he done to them? How can they ever feel protected again? I hate him. I hate him for what he has done. I hate him for the kind of person he is. I hate him more than I could ever hate anyone. Looking at him disgusts me. Seeing him. I want to kill him. I want to kill him for what he did to my boys. All that time I stayed with him. I tried to make it work. For what? For the boys? And look at what he did. “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” I try to tell myself that. I try to turn my anger to him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. My poor boys. I have to protect them. I will do anything that I have to do. Including forgiving myself. So I can move on. So they can move on. So we can move on. Self, I forgive you.

“Father I thank you that all authority, power, and dominion are mine. I thank you that it was your good pleasure to send me to die for such a moment as this. I conquered all evil and all darkness when I willingly hung on the cross. And behold, I am alive now and forevermore! There is no condemnation for her because she is in me and I am in her. These deeds of darkness were hidden from her sight, but I thank you that she did was was right in our eyes once she learned of the wickedness that was happening behind closed doors. She fought for her sons and they are protected in my name. I taught my disciples when I was on the earth, “”It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble,” for a reason. Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne, Father. There is an appointed time for evil to be undone. For the wrong to be made right. For this man to give an accounting for his vile sin against these little ones. In my name her sons will be restored to wholeness for I am greater than abuse. I pray that you give my dear daughter the strength to wait for the vengeance of the God. Holy Spirit whisper the truth to her innermost being. Tell her that God is good. Tell her that God is faithful. Tell her that she will see justice. I bind all of the dark forces who are attempting to sew seeds of hatred and murder in her flesh. I rebuke you in my name and I command you to flee. In my blood she will be delivered from hatred. In my blood she will be delivered from rage. In my blood she will be delivered from malice. She will walk in forgiveness, because she knows that she has been forgiven. She will follow my example, because she really loves me. She still loves me. Even after all of the evil that has attempted to destroy her, she loves me. May my everlasting love for her be a salve to every wounded place. I am so willing and able to bind up this broken heart, Father. I proclaim freedom for her and release from darkness. Thank you for giving her the strength to forgive herself. I intercede on behalf of this dear one, your daughter, whom you love. I thank you that she will overcome in my name.”

This is the truth:  Jesus is real. He is alive. He is interceding for us.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:31-34.